Grief One Year On or is it?

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Grief One Year On or is it?

It is the first anniversary of my father's death this week. In chronological time frame, that means 365 days. 

In grief time that can be as yesterday- as it was my experience.  I felt the loss of him greatly on the first anniversary as if he had just died. Part of that is due to the fact that at the time of his death, I became responsible for a lot of the practical details surrounding death and, in the aftermath, I am responsible for another person to care for. In reality I did not have much time for my own personal grief.

In terms of the first anniversary, I found that people who commented ' 12 months- doesn't time fly' or 'hasn't that time gone so quickly' were not the least bit comforting to me.  In one sense, the 12 months has gone quickly- I had to pick up the baton of life and learn many of the tasks that dad did automatically.

Emotionally however, I feel like dad died today or yesterday- the grief is raw.

TALKING WITH THE BEREAVED 

When a person dies, we inevitably say something to the bereaved. My question is - is what we say helpful to the bereaved, or is it something to say to make us feel better.  When you say something to the bereaved, are you thinking of them or you?

When dad died, there were many comforting comments which I appreciated. However, I wish to highlight another unhelpful comment said to me on the day of the requiem  ' It must be such a relief for you- you would not wish him back'... Dad had been sick for a length of time. I told that person that I would wish him back in a heartbeat if I could. They looked at me nonplussed.

Why make a comment like that to the bereaved on the day of the requiem. How helpful was it to me as the bereaved- not at all actually..it left no healing balm on an aching soul.

So, the next time you are in the position to be with a bereaved person, whether it be at the time of the death or later such as an anniversary, I ask you to consider your words carefully.  Are you really wanting to give the bereaved some healing comfort and consolation, or do you feel inadequate and do not know what to say- do you just trot out the cliches that you have heard and have never thought about the effects it has on the listener.

My suggestion is this- if you do not know what to say- either say nothing but be a presence or perhaps just say to the bereaved' I do not have the words that may give you comfort but I hope my presence in some way supports you.  

THE JOURNEY OF GRIEF 

Grief is such an individual journey- you do not know how another person feels nor do they know how you feel. Effective communication and practical assistance at such a time and/or a silent presence speaks volumes. I will always remember at the time of dad's death, with gratitude the neighbour who came around and washed some dishes and made me stop for 5 minutes from the phone calls and sit down and drink a cup of tea. God bless her.

So how do you respond to a bereaved person- both at the time of death and around an anniversary?