Forgiveness series: Conditional Apology Part 2: Physical, Psychological and Spiritual Perspective.

 

CONDITIONAL APOLOGY PART 2

 

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In the previous post I started this new series on forgiveness with discussing a conditional apology and why it is never an apology.

In this post, I discuss further the conditional apology from the physical, psychological and spiritual  perspectives.

A conditional apology "I'm sorry if I have offended you" carries various physical, psychological, and spiritual implications for both the person giving the apology and the one receiving it. Below are some of the ways such an apology might be interpreted or felt.

Physical Effects

Stress Response: For both the person giving and receiving the apology, there will likely be physiological responses associated with stress, such as an increased heart rate, sweaty palms, and tensed muscles.  In a group situation, where a conditional apology is offered, physically, the act of apologizing may reduce tension in a room, making people feel less on-edge or anxious. For the person apologising though the motivation is likely to be one of self preservation in front of the group rather than a desire for a real apology.  However, it is important to remember that a conditional apology is never ever an apology in any circumstances.

Body Language: Conditional apologies do not align with open, sincere body language, which creates a dissonance people can physically feel. The giver will exhibit non-verbal cues that suggest insincerity or discomfort, like avoiding eye contact, crossing arms, or fidgeting. The receiver will likely to respond with non-verbal cues of scepticism or dissatisfaction, like a furrowed brow, pursed lips, or maintaining a physical distance.

Heart Response:  When a conditional apology is uttered, there is usually pain felt by the receiver around the heart area/heart chakra and chest bone. Tightness and pain such as a stabbing type pain will be felt.  

Psychological Effects

For the Apologizer:

1. Reduced Guilt: Offering a conditional apology might seem as though guilt feelings are temporarily alleviated. However, it is not actually reducing the guilt levels at all. It is actually fooling yourself and not facing your responsibility.
2. Preserved Self-Image: Some people use conditional apologies to defend their own self-image; they may feel they haven't done anything wrong but offer an "if-clause" apology to appease the other person. The person making the apology may feel as if they are getting away with it but if they have any self awareness, they will know that they are being dishonest.  Sadly for some people, preserving self image is paramount and usually they have little or no self awareness of the pain they are actually causing both to themselves or to the receiver. 

 

For the Receiver:

1. Invalidation: This type of apology might make the wronged party feel their feelings or experiences are not valid or recognized. It also can make the recipient feel that they are the ones over reacting to the situation. People who cast blame onto others are very skilled at making others feel that their feelings and experiences are not valid or recognised.
   
   
2. Frustration and Resentment: It can lead to unresolved issues, as the receiver might not feel the apologizer fully understands or acknowledges the wrongdoing.
   
   
3. Doubt and Confusion: It can cause the person who was wronged to question whether they have a right to feel aggrieved.  This is known in modern terms as gaslighting. The apologiser depending on his/her personality and motivation can make the receiver lose a true perspective of the situation causing the receive to blame himself/herself. This is a form of emotional abuse on the part of the apologiser.
   
   
4. Reduced Trust: A conditional apology damages trust between the parties involved. A conditional apology is perceived as insincere, leading the recipient to doubt the authenticity of the remorse. This can diminish trust in the relationship.

5.    Diminished Responsibility: Phrasing an apology conditionally indicates that the person apologizing isn't fully taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, the blame is subtly shifted to the recipient's feelings or perception.

6.    Disappointment: The recipient is likely to feel disappointed, expecting a more sincere and unambiguous acknowledgment of wrongdoing.

7.    Resentment: If the recipient perceives the apology as insincere, they are likely t0 harbour resentment, leading to further relationship strain.

8.  Trigger of Past Memories: When a conditional apology is offered, it often triggers past experiences and relationships.  Unless these triggers are resolved, another conditional apology is another layer of hurt. The receiver having been triggered by the conditional apology may respond in a way that was required in a past experience rather than the current situation.  

Spiritual Effects:

·         Stagnation in Growth: Authentic apologies can lead to personal growth, self-awareness, and spiritual evolution. A conditional apology does not provide the same opportunities for reflection and growth.

·         Barrier to Connection: Genuine apologies can foster deeper connections between individuals. When an apology feels insincere, it can act as a barrier to spiritual and emotional closeness.

·         Conflict with Values: For those who believe in the importance of sincerity, humility, and authenticity as spiritual virtues, giving or receiving a conditional apology is in direct conflict with these values.

 

Jesus wants us to be sincere in our dealings with one another.  If we truly wish to actively keep the commandment of loving God, loving neighbour and loving self, then we need to consider how we apologise.  A conditional apology is never an apology in physical or psychological terms nor is it an apology in spiritual terms in relation to the commandment to love.

In essence, while a conditional apology may seem like a way to tread lightly or protect oneself from full admission of guilt, it falls short of the healing and connection that a genuine, unconditional apology provides. For relationships to thrive and grow, it's crucial to communicate authentically, take responsibility for one's actions, and seek mutual understanding and forgiveness.

So if you are a person who has used conditional apologies in the past or perhaps currently and have either given no thought to why the relationship has soured or terminated, then I hope this post has provided some clues to why a conditional apology is never an apology either in person,  by phone, text or email or any other form of communication.

A conditional apology is both detrimental to both the apologiser and to the receiver in physical, emotional and spiritual terms.