Forgiveness Series: How to Apologise Part 1

FORGIVENESS SERIES

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HOW TO APOLOGISE PART 1

In the last 2 posts in this series, I have reflected upon the conditional apology. I have stressed why the conditional apology is never an apology and the physical, emotional and spiritual impact a conditional apology has for both the giver and receiver.

Let us now turn our attention to the model of a sincere apology. Let us consider the steps required for a genuine apology. We may wish to think about how we apologise currently and what we can do to improve our apologies following these steps.

Apologizing can be difficult, but it's an important part of maintaining healthy relationships and demonstrating emotional intelligence. The process varies depending on the situation and the people involved, but here are some guidelines that are necessary for a genuine apology.

Steps for Making a Sincere Apology:

1. Acknowledge Responsibility: The first step is acknowledging that you did something wrong. Avoid using any language that deflects blame or minimizes your actions. Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" is not the same as saying "I'm sorry I hurt you." The first step is to recognize and acknowledge what you did wrong. Avoid being vague or dismissive.

Example: "I realize I spoke without considering your feelings."
This is where the prepositions  I am sorry that... or I am sorry because. I ... or I am sorry when I ...  or I am sorry for ....are all appropriate prepositions to use when making an apology, but remember never I am sorry if..

 

2.    Be Specific: Clearly state what you did wrong. This shows the other person that you understand why your actions or words were harmful. Convey that you genuinely feel bad about your actions or words.

Example: "I’m truly sorry for what I said."

 

3. Genuinely Express Regret: Let the person know that you're sorry and that you regret what you've done. Your tone should be sincere; people can usually tell when an apology is not heartfelt. When it is not heartfelt, it only adds more pain to the receiver and the reconciliation process is usually derailed because trust is gone from the relationship.
   
   
   
4.  Explain (But Don’t Justify): Sometimes it’s necessary to explain why you acted as you did. However, this should not turn into a justification for your actions. The purpose is to give the other person some context, not to excuse what you did. It is vital that in explaining your actions/words that you acknowledge what you have learned from the situation.
   "I thought I was being funny, but I see now that it was inappropriate."

"5.     5.    State Your Intention to Make Amends: If possible, specify how you intend to make the situation right or to prevent a similar situation from occurring in the future. "I promise not to make jokes at the expense of others moving forward.

L"      6.  Listen: Give the other person an opportunity to speak and express how they feel. An apology requires more than just saying "I'm sorry"; it may require a willingness to hear how your actions affected the other person. "Is there anything you’d like to say?"

7.   . 7.Follow Through: Actions speak louder than words. Make sure you demonstrate your sincerity through your actions moving forward. : Example Avoid making similar jokes in the future

 

8. Give Them Time: Some people may need time to process your apology and decide whether or not they can forgive you. Be patient and give them the space they need. It is wrong to assume  and expect that the other person will forgive you. It is the decision of the other person not your decision.

Example Apology:

Here’s how you could put these steps together:

1. Acknowledge Responsibility: "I realize I was wrong for..."
2. Be Specific: "...for making that joke about your family."
3. Genuinely Express Regret: "I'm truly sorry for hurting your feelings." Or "I’m truly sorry for what I said."

Convey that you genuinely feel bad about your actions or words.:

 

4. Explain (But Don’t Justify): "I thought I was being funny, but I see now that it was inappropriate."
5. State Your Intention to Make Amends: "I promise not to make jokes at the expense of others moving forward."
6. Listen: "Is there anything else you’d like to say?"
7. Follow Through: [Avoid making similar jokes in the future]
8. Give Them Time: [Allow them to process and decide if they want to forgive you]

Remember, the goal is to express sincere regret and a willingness to make things right, not just to get yourself off the hook. Remember that sincerity can't be faked. If you don’t genuinely feel sorry, the other person will likely pick up on it. Lastly, sometimes actions speak louder than words. Continuously working on improving yourself and your behaviour after the apology can show that you are genuine in your remorse.

Saying sorry effectively involves more than just uttering the words; it's a process that includes acknowledging the mistake, understanding the impact, and taking steps to make amends

 Offering a sincere apology involves recognizing your mistake, taking responsibility, expressing remorse, making amends, and committing to avoiding similar mistakes in the future.