Forgiveness series: How to Forgive Part 2: Unintentional hurt and the need to apologise

 FORGIVENESS SERIES

Forgiveness series

HOW TO FORGIVE PART 2.

HOW TO APOLOGISE PART 2

 

In the previous post, we looked at the necessary steps to make a sincere apology when we have erred in some way.

Now I wish to examine a couple of very important questions when making an apology: namely:

·         What is our intention?

·         Should we forsee our actions/words as a potential risk of hurt?

·         What is our moral obligation as Catholics in relation to our intentions

·          

WHAT IS OUR INTENTION

intentionally hurting someone refers to the deliberate act of causing physical, emotional, or psychological harm to another individual. This action is often motivated by a desire to control, manipulate, or retaliate against the target, though motivations can vary widely. The act can take various forms, including but not limited to:

1.    Physical Harm: This is the most straightforward form of intentionally hurting someone. It includes hitting, punching, slapping, or any other action that inflicts physical pain or injury.

2.    Emotional or Psychological Harm: This can manifest as manipulation, humiliation, degradation, or causing fear. Emotional harm is often harder to identify than physical harm but can be just as damaging. Gas lighting other people causes emotional and psychological harm to both the gas lighter and especially to the person being gaslighted.

3.    Verbal Abuse: Constantly belittling, demeaning, or verbally attacking someone can be a form of intentional harm.

4.    Financial Harm: Sabotaging someone's financial status by stealing or fraud, or intentionally causing them to lose their job, is another form of harm. Financial abuse of the elderly would also be intentional and is a form of stealing.

5.    Social Harm: Spreading rumours, ostracizing, or otherwise damaging someone's social standing can also be considered intentional harm.

6.    Digital Harm: In today's interconnected world, cyberbullying and online harassment are additional avenues through which individuals can intentionally harm others.

7.    Spiritual Harm: when our free will is hampered under pressure by the group or when indoctrination of a view that is not truthful is perpetuated. Spiritual harm is also caused when a person suffers religious addiction and does not seek appropriate professional help.

The commonality in these examples is the deliberate nature of the harm. The person causing the harm either intends for the harm to occur or is fully aware that their actions or omissions will likely result in harm.

 

It's important to note that what counts as "harm" can be subjective and vary from person to person, depending on their emotional resilience, previous experiences, and emotional wellbeing. Laws and social norms also play a significant role in defining what actions are generally considered to be harmful. As Catholics, we need to be putting Christ first in our lives and keeping the commandments by loving God, our neighbour and ourselves.

Intentional harm is generally considered to be ethically and morally wrong, and it can also have legal repercussions. Laws on assault, defamation, harassment, and abuse exist in many jurisdictions to deter individuals from intentionally causing harm to others.

As Catholics we can examine our motivations and assess the level of intention and ask God for forgiveness through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. We need to learn to become more self aware of our motivations. What is the real reason for causing physical, emotional or spiritual harm to another person.

WHAT IS UNINTENTIONAL HURT OR HARM

Unintentional hurt or harm refers to causing someone physical, emotional, or psychological pain without the explicit intention to do so. It could occur through actions or words that you didn't foresee would have a negative impact. For example, you might make a joke thinking everyone will find it funny, but it actually offends someone in the room. Or you could forget to invite someone to a social gathering, making them feel left out and hurt. Unintentional harm may also include accidents that cause physical injury, like bumping into someone and causing them to fall.

Responsibility to Apologize

The question of whether one has the responsibility to apologize for unintentional harm can vary depending on cultural, ethical, and individual beliefs. However, here are some general perspectives:

1. Ethical Standpoint: From an ethical standpoint, apologizing can be seen as an acknowledgment of one's own actions and their unintended consequences, as well as an act of empathy towards the person who has been hurt. Apologizing doesn't necessarily mean you admit to malicious intent; it means you recognize the impact of your actions.
2. Social Norms: Social norms often dictate that an apology is the appropriate response when one realizes they have unintentionally hurt someone else. This is seen as a way to maintain social cohesion and trust among individuals within a community.
3. Relationship Maintenance: If the unintentional harm affects someone you have an ongoing relationship with, an apology could be vital in maintaining that relationship. Letting harm go unacknowledged can lead to resentment and a breakdown in communication.
4. Legal Perspective: In some cases, an apology might have legal implications. Some jurisdictions interpret an apology as an admission of guilt, which could have consequences in legal disputes. It's essential to be aware of this when considering whether to apologize.
5. Personal Beliefs: Some people feel that if the harm was unintentional and they didn't mean to cause it, they shouldn't have to apologize. This perspective often hinges on the belief that intention matters more than impact, which is a subject of ethical debate.

In general, if you become aware that your actions have unintentionally harmed someone, a sincere apology is often a good first step in making amends. It acknowledges the hurt you've caused, shows that you take responsibility for your actions, and can be a starting point for healing and reconciliation.

WHAT IS OUR MORAL OBLIGATION TO APOLOGISE FOR UNINTENTIONAL HURT

From a Catholic perspective, the obligation to apologize for unintentional harm aligns with many core teachings and values, including repentance, forgiveness, and the importance of maintaining loving relationships with others.

1. Repentance and Forgiveness: One of the key teachings in Catholicism is the importance of repentance for one's sins and seeking God's forgiveness. While unintentional harm may not constitute a sin in the traditional sense, especially if there was no malice involved, the act of apologizing demonstrates a form of repentance and opens the door for forgiveness.
2. Love and Charity: The Christian principle of "love thy neighbor" suggests an ethical obligation to apologize when one has caused harm, even unintentionally. This love isn't limited to positive feelings but also includes acts of goodwill and responsibility toward others, including making amends when needed.
3. Moral Responsibility: Even if the harm was unintentional, Catholic ethics often emphasize the importance of taking responsibility for one's actions and their consequences. This includes admitting when you're wrong and making a sincere effort to set things right.
4. Social Justice and Peace: Catholic social teaching places significant emphasis on justice and peace. Harm disrupts social harmony, and an apology can be a step towards restoring that harmony, thereby aligning with Catholic principles.
5. Humility: Apologizing often requires a degree of humility, a virtue that Catholicism highly values. Humility involves recognizing that one is not perfect and has the capacity to cause harm, even unintentionally. In doing so, one takes the first step towards both personal and relational healing.
6. Sacrament of Reconciliation: While unintentional harm may not necessarily require the Sacrament of Reconciliation (commonly known as Confession), the principles behind this sacrament underscore the importance of acknowledging one's wrongdoings, seeking forgiveness, and making amends. In fact while it might not be necessary, if we are serious about our relationship with God and reflecting Jesus to others, then our desire to purify everything that is not godly in ourselves is essential. We would want to take it to Jesus and receive not only forgiveness but the grace to be more aware for the future.
7. Golden Rule: The Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," is an ethical cornerstone not just in Catholicism but in many religious traditions. If one would appreciate an apology when harmed, even unintentionally, then it suggests an obligation to extend the same courtesy to others.

So, from a Catholic standpoint, there is a strong argument to be made for the obligation to apologize for unintentional hurt or harm. This doesn't just serve the individual who has been harmed but also helps the person who caused the harm to grow in virtue and holiness.

what does the catholic catechism say about unintentional harm and the obligation to apologise

As of my last update in September 2021, the Catechism of the Catholic Church doesn't specifically address the topic of unintentional harm and the obligation to apologize in a direct manner. However, it does lay out various principles that can be applied to this situation.

1. Repentance and Forgiveness: The Catechism speaks broadly about the importance of repentance for sins and seeking forgiveness from God and those we've wronged (Catechism 1422–1498). Even though unintentional harm might not be a sin per se, the broader principle of seeking reconciliation can be applied.
2. Love of Neighbour: The Catechism emphasizes the commandment to "Love your neighbour as yourself" (Catechism 1822–1829). Harm to another, intentional or not, contradicts this commandment, so making amends through an apology aligns with this teaching.
3. Restitution: The concept of making restitution for harm done is also present in Catholic teaching (Catechism 2412, 2453). Even if the harm was unintentional, the notion of restitution might suggest that an apology is warranted to restore the relational balance.
4. Conscience: The Catechism discusses the role of conscience in moral decision-making (Catechism 1776–1802). If one's conscience indicates that an apology is necessary for unintentional harm, then this inner voice should be heeded, according to Catholic teaching.
5. Social Justice: The importance of social justice and maintaining peaceful and fair relationships within society is another theme in the Catechism (Catechism 1928–1948). An apology could be seen as a minor but meaningful step toward restoring social harmony.
6. Virtue of Humility: Although not directly tied to apologies, the virtue of humility is highly esteemed in Catholic teaching. Apologizing for unintentional harm requires humility, which is a quality encouraged by the Church (Catechism 1832).
7. Scandal: The Catechism also mentions the notion of scandal, or leading others into sin (Catechism 2284–2287). While unintentional harm isn't scandal in the doctrinal sense, the principle of avoiding harm to others spiritually or morally can be extended to other forms of harm, including unintentional ones.
8. Respect for the Dignity of Others: The Catechism places great importance on respecting the dignity of the human person (Catechism 1929–1948). If your actions, even unintentionally, have compromised another's dignity, an apology may be in line with Catholic principles.

While the Catechism may not directly speak to the issue of unintentional harm and the obligation to apologize, the underlying themes and principles within it would generally support the idea that one should make amends when they've caused harm, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

 On a practical note when we have genuinely hurt someone but it was truly unintentional on our part ( as distinct from letting ourselves off the hook) then the most appropriate way to apologise is to acknowledge that hurt has occurred even though it was not your intention. Before we make this apology though, make sure we have truly examined our motivation and truly brought it to God in prayer asking Him to show us our true intentions.

eg I am sorry that I hurt you when I said....even though it was not my intention to cause you pain or hurt. Please forgive me.

I unintentionally have hurt you when I ...  I am sorry for the hurt I have caused you in this way.( state the way you hurt the person).

 It is important that the steps of a sincere apology are followed discussed in previous posts in this series even when unintentional harm or hurt was caused.