Forgiveness series Part 1: A conditional apology

 FORGIVENESS SERIES

Forgiveness series icon

 CONDITIONAL APOLOGY PART 1.

Welcome to my new series on forgiveness.  In this series, I wish to explore what true forgiveness is, the practical steps in the process of forgiveness for our relationships with one another and just as importantly asking forgiveness with God through Sacrament of Reconciliation.  As the series develops, I envisage so much more to explore with you on this topic. Let’s begin.

 

In this post let us start with what is a conditional apology. An apology is never ever a conditional apology.

Saying "I am sorry if I offended you" is a commonly used apology. The problem with this type of apology is the preposition IF:

1.    Conditional Apology:

The use of "if" makes the apology conditional.  It implies that the person to whom he/she is offering the apology might not actually be offended or that their feelings might not be valid. This type of apology is usually insincere or dismissive. It is usually said by someone who knows at some level that he/she has hurt another person. They wish to be forgiven but often he/she has not given the situation much thought, wants to get it over and done so that he/she can move on without any emotional impact to himself/herself.

This type of conditional apology can be said by someone who does not know how to apologise and does not understand how offensive using the preposition IF is in an apology. Sometimes this is because English is the second language and at other times it can be the way they learned it or picked it up from society.

The "if" in "if I offended you" makes the apology conditional and weak, as if you're not certain that what you did was actually offensive. It is dismissive, suggesting that you're only sorry if the other person chooses to be offended.

This then usually is heard by the offended party and only adds insult to injury or salt to the wound. It is definitely not a step towards healing or reconciliation.

2.Shifts Responsibility: The preposition IF subtly shifts the responsibility to the person who feels offended, suggesting that it's their choice to feel hurt or not. The subtext can read as, "I'm sorry if you chose to feel offended by what I said." Or more bluntly ‘It’s your problem not mine- get over yourself’. A person who uses a conditional apology   is not willing to acknowledge personal responsibility and/or feel uncomfortable acknowledging personal responsibility.  Instead by using this conditional apology, he/she subtly shifts the responsibility of the offense onto the offended party. It suggests that the offense is a matter of perception rather than acknowledging that your actions were the cause.

3.    Lack of Ownership:  This type of conditional apology lacks ownership for what the person has done/ not done.  An effective apology must include taking responsibility for one's actions. Saying "I'm sorry if..." is just noise the sound of apology because it sounds like you're not fully acknowledging your own role in the situation. A conditional apology is never ever an apology- it is just words that mean nothing at all to both the person giving the apology and the person receiving it. The power of the preposition if is the culprit to this conditional apology. A strong, sincere apology acknowledges wrongdoing without qualifiers. Saying "I'm sorry for [specific action]" is a straightforward way to accept responsibility for what you've done.

4.    Vagueness: This type of apology doesn’t specify what the apologizer did wrong, which suggests that he/she is not fully aware of or willing to acknowledge the specific action or words that caused harm.

5.   Insincerity:  The conditional apology fails because it fails the basic goals of an apology which is to make amends and foster understanding. The phrase "I'm sorry if I offended you" is in fact a non-apology which undermines the aims.

 

I hope that the next time you are about to utter the words of a conditional apology that you will stop and never use a conditional apology ever again.

If you are on the receiving end of a conditional apology, then do not accept it.  You may wish to give the person the benefit of the doubt by asking them whether he/she is aware that it is a conditional apology- after all it may be the only way they know. 
Sadly in relationships, some people use the conditional apology as a game of power and when that occurs, all sorts of other ugly motives are at play.